September 14, 2007

Do I believe in God?

This week has been full. God is continuing to open my eyes to where my belief and faith in Him have been wavering. Several things this week have brought me to an awareness of how that happened. First of all if I am not growing closer to the Lord, I am growing weaker. There is no middle ground for me. I would expect this to be true of all humans, but as I am only have expertise on me, then I wont say we in that sentence. My learning of the Lord has not ceased through this time of wavering, but what has wavered is my firm stand on the Rock.

One day this week I was listening as a prayer was being offered for my family. The man was referring to satan but didn't want to use his name, so he referred to him as the one who throws firey darts. Then in my scripture reading that same day I read the verse that refers to satan as the one who throws firey darts. This morning I was thinking again about that, and that is how my faith wavered. It wasn't all of a sudden, it was a gradual, I think I had turned into swiss cheese, with holes made by all those dadgummed darts. Over the last several months, I don't really recall when it started, I would read God's word, with an open heart wanting to grow, covering my time with Him in prayer, but then a little snide remark would pop into my head...and part of me would stay in agreement with that remark rather than refuse it and renounce it. The bible says we are all in a spiritual battle, and by not taking a stand in agreement with God's word and allowing that little firey dart to stay put I allowed it to take hold. Many firey darts later, I could feel myself sliding. The Rock was still there, still firm, but I moved.

God does not need me to agree with Him, He continues to be God, but I need me to agree with Him to live in victory on this earth.

I know what I mean, because I know what is going on in my head, but a stranger or even a friend who reads this might just wonder what is she really saying? Was I ready to walk away from the Lord - ABSOLUTELY NOT - been there, done that, bought the book, fell hard, God lifted me up and gave me new life in my heart filled me with His grace and mercy, don't ever plan on going back. Where my wavering is: in fear, discontent and frustration and lack of trust. I trust the bible is divine and inspired. I trust that God is the Almighty, the Creator, the Giver of life, my Counselor, He was there at the beginning of creation, and He will be the one to shut it all down. He has existed forever, and forever never ends. All of that said, I BELIEVE IN GOD. But I would read a scripture here or there that I was not currently (key word there) jiving with what I wanted, was praying for, or could understand. And that snarky little twinge would come into my head discounting God's sovereignty and I would feel frustration because I wanted answers and the earth to move in THIS area and it wasn't happening.

Several month's ago I went through a Bible study on Daniel, and it pertained then and now, 3 ways God can deliver me from the fire. 1. Get rid of the fire. 2. Deliver me through the fire. 3. Deliver me straight into the arms of Jesus. Either way I am delivered.
#1 our faith might be lifted temporarily, but because there was no real effort on our part, The Lord after all did the work, it was many times just that a temporary lifting of faith. Like when someone goes in for a second round of testing because there is a lump, we pray, pray, pray....go back in for the tests again and all comes back just fine, we say our thank you Jesus's and life starts right back up and we move on. Or maybe some might not even be thankful, after all the tests were probably just wrong in the first place, we can actually reason with ourselves and justify what just happened.
#2 Walking through the fire. There is work to be done by the Walker and walkee. Sometimes it is hard and sometimes it is not so hard. If Jack had come through his first surgery and the tumor never grew, we would have been so thankful...I know my faith had grown at that point, the things that matter most in my life became very apparent, God had grown me and called me closer to Him. 2 years later the fire is still burning hot. God is faithfully by my side, more likely carrying me, my faith continues to be refined by that fire, but alot of what is not of Him is burning away. If it is not of Him, it is of me and it is hard to let some stuff go, even if it is not good stuff. So everyday my faith is tested in the fire, and everyday I trust in God, He protects me. If I lose my trust that is when some of those firey darts shoot at my feet, or maybe I am trying to walk on my own and have stepped just far enough away from Him that the darts are hitting me. The firey furnace is hot, and sometimes those darts just blend in with the heat. But those darts are not from God. Can He use them to help me grow in Him? Absolutely and I am sure He is, but He is always there for me to hold on to. His word is on my tongue to send those darts flying back to the archer that is aiming them.
#3. The day He calls me home and my faith is made truly complete. Glory be to God.

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31

I know that just as Jesus prayed for Peter and his faith to not fail, He is also praying for me and my faith. And it is through the encouragement of Jesus to not turn away I will keep walking forth until one day my faith is confirmed by site. Until then my faith is the substance of what can not be seen.

Thank you Jesus.

5 comments:

Sarah said...

1. Tammy said "snarky"! Love it!

2. Satan specializes in the gradual slide. The whole frog in the boiling water thing. I'm SO with you on that -- I'm currently looking around my heart thinking, "How did I get HERE??

3. love the 3 ways. Yes, amen, and GLORY! :-)

Terral said...

A lady at our church one time told me that when you hit difficult times in your life you tend to coast on your existing faith. Like you are holding your breath until everything is safe and okay. Satan loves when we pull away from God and from the ones closest to us. He wants us to feel alone in our struggles. I love this verse Eccl. 5:9-12
I am praying that your faith will be strengthened. I have had times where my faith was weak and I didn't understand what God's plan was.

Miami Chick said...

Your post reminds me of one of my favorite passages from Deuteronomy. Sometimes we are lead directly through the desert. It is the time of testing, God will look into hearts. I must remember that in all of this God is there.

Deut. 8:2 Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.

Those firey darts require that shield of faith. He will strengthen you.

Tammy M. said...

Great comments - thanks ladies.

Caryn said...

Tammy, I love you! Thank you for your honesty and your wisdom.