March 06, 2010

My Amazing Father and His Consolation.

Saturday morning, the dishwasher is running, washing machine washing, and I am thinking about going to the gym. I haven't gone this long in my life without lifting weights for...well..ever, or atleast 25 years. I don't have a gym membership right now, but the Y let's you pay to enter so that is my plan. Just after I stop to process this last week.

These last two weeks have been busy with school exams and projects, and then Jack had appt.'s in Dallas this week too. It has been about a year since the oncologist told us there was a new "spot" to watch, but that it didn't appear to be anything problematic but we needed to keep an eye on it. I held onto those words, and the lessons I have learned in the last 5 years of not allowing the worry to be the emotion that drives me. With God's help this last year has been easy and without fear, enjoying my kids, my new station in life as a student, my photography and my husband.

Our trip to Dallas was special because Rob took off work and Sophie joined us too. But there were little irks along the way, the Ronald McDonald House didn't have an opening for us so we pricelined a hotel which worked out great, Jack's MRI machine couldn't play a movie, so he had music as his company, the nurse that put in his iv line for the contrast made a mess of it and Jack had blood everywhere,...yada yada yada, we all do a good job of just dealing most of the time. But maybe my nerves were a bit shot and with one thing after another and especially Jack's iv I thought I might just break down in tears a couple of times.

Thursday morning we woke early and headed to the hospital for breakfast and then to the oncology clinic for his 8:30am appt. We were sitting amongst 30 or so others with kids waiting for their chemo, for clinic, to have blood drawn. That life of a fragile child still fresh in my memory and looking at all the bald heads around me brought about enough fear in about 15 minutes that I was trying to remind myself to breathe. I think because of all the irks along the way I let myself think, well all this other stuff was crummy so maybe our results will be crummy too. This is not my typical state of mind, I just have to make that disclaimer, but if I don't let God's word be my sounding board then fear can have it's way with me pretty quickly as far as Jack's journey is concerned. There was the cutest little 2ish year old who was hooked up to fluids of some sort and she was wheeled through the waiting room a couple of times by her nurse and mom to get to a different part of the clinic. She was sitting on the bottom of the pole with her bottom resting on a tiny little pillow made up of a couple of blankets and her legs crossed with the pole in the middle, she was holding onto the pole and was enjoying the ride. I would have loved to have taken a picture to share. There was a girl about 14 years old who was as frail as could be, she was pale, thin, and covered in blankets to stay warm. She was laying down on a pillow on one of the couches sleeping until she was called back. Her dad or grandpa was was with her. As she was called, she was of course slow to get up, the nurse walked over and tried to help with all of her blankets and her bags and said she would be getting platelets this day too, which meant that her count was extremely low and she was very weak. As she was trying to step towards her wheelchair her feet didn't move with her and she fell, the nurse tried to grab her and a patients mom jumped up too but all three went down. Tables and chairs flying every which way. At this point I was praying for this precious young woman to not have hurt herself, when she got up she had just a couple of scrapes but nothing was broken.

I remember saying to God, "I can't do this again, please help us not to have to go through this again, I can't." Tears were welling up in my eyes, and I felt the Lord say very clearly to me, if this is what you have to do, then you will do it, I will give you the strength, at that time, not a minute sooner. You will know it is because of Me that you have joy in the struggle and victory over heartbreak. And then I remembered, yes that is how God does it. I don't think "I" can do it again, but I know that with God I can, and with a smile on my face and with His strength in my heart I can be a light that shines the power of God through my weakness. I took a deep breath and just rested in that thought and it consoled me and gave me complete comfort.

Well after what seemed a lifetime we were called back to talk with the Oncologist, Dr. Bowers, and he gave us the good news that Jack's scan was clear. I was just as grateful today as I was the first time we got a good report on Jack. I thought about being upset with myself about the thoughts I had allowed to take over and cause fear, but then I thought it was a blessing in disguise, it was my reminder that even the hardest things in life are possible with the hand of my loving Father holding mine along the way, my need for God is fresh each day. Thanks be to God for His words in my spirit, for He is my loving Father in whom I believe and delight.

6 comments:

Rose Haven said...

So delighted in the Father's touch in Jack's life...the report we've all wanted to hear!!

~Blessings,
Jan

Caryn said...

Tammy, your authenticity is absolutely beautiful! Thank you for this post and for the example of how to live gracefully in the midst of chaos. And, thank You, God, for Your gentle consolation when we feel so weak! I'm so glad the doctor's report was good!

Dixie said...

through tears....thankyou, thank-you and thank-you...

love ya'll ...

Beaumont Family McLeods

Anonymous said...

So grateful for the news. Thankful also for your heart!

Karene

honey said...

What an answer to prayer! Thank you for being so real~ Love you!

Scott F said...

Praising God for this great news! Although your writing was so powerful I went through the fear right along with you as I read, not sure if I wanted to get to the end or not.