June 03, 2015

My Sacred Rhythm

For the first time in months I have started to find my deep breathes again. It has been a great year, Derek had a great Senior year, Jack and Sophie made the very most of their Sophomore years and did well in school, enjoyed their extra curricular activities, Rob enjoys his job, my new business continues to grow and my photography business always brings me joy. I am just suffering from a bone tiredness that I don't ever remember having since I was chasing a toddler and staying up nights with new babies.

When I started my new business in March of 2014 I would be asked about what my goals were. My first answer was always the same...to keep a balance in my life. God, family and then work. I have not done a very good job of making balance work. Namely work and family edged out my time with God, which meant I was lacking in so many ways. I went from regular time with God every day to trying to remember to say my prayers before I fell asleep at night, and much of the time if I am honest I wasn't successful. I always felt like God was with me and continued to feel close in my relationship with Him and would still call out to Him, but I wasn't making my time with Him my priority which in turn left me depleted of the gifts He so freely gives. Worry became a big part of my day,...starting a new business with overhead can lend itself to a bit of worry. Stress and the effects of stress became more apparent. Over the last 6 months rheumatoid arthritis has been working it's way into my fingers and toes. And places that I would have given over to God I have kept for myself to fix.

God is the one that brings us the fruit of the Spirit...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control. But it is my responsibility to till the soil of my heart and make myself ready to receive what He so generously gives. Margins at the edges of my day were non-existent. My chest was heavy and I would worry about tomorrow, next week, next month, next year...

I have tasted God's peace, for years with my priorities straight God had blessed me with an abundance of His gifts through His Spirit. Once you have lived in that peace it is more than apparent when it is gone...or at least seemingly out of reach. Every day my spirit yearned to be with Him, but one more thing, or I'll take time tonight or tomorrow morning to set time aside to be with God were regular thoughts. God is so kind and would offer me Himself but I was too busy and stressed to see to stop and take His hand.

I have seen in myself in this last several years between school and work that I have a drive to succeed that I didn't realize was there before. If I make a mistake I am too hard on myself. I want to be the best mom I can be, the best wife I can be, the best worker I can be... it was hard for me to discern where I was crossing the line, and what was too much to bear. Several years ago we built up debt that could not be helped, I just kept thinking that if I worked harder and longer I could pay off that debt. That is not how it has worked out because of continuous major repairs for our home and cars since last November, so I just worked harder and longer...and I just wore myself out.

This summer, which is a down time for my business, I want the deep breathes to be normal again, I want to read books, I want to watch a movie with my kids and not work on the computer at the same time, I want to prepare meals that take longer than 10 minutes and enjoy the slicing and dicing in the kitchen, I want to take walks, hang out at the pool, drink iced tea, write in my journal, and most importantly find my step with God again, find my sacred rhythm of prayer, meditation, reading my Bible, and just enjoying God's presence.

In a couple of weeks I am going to take some time for a silent retreat.  I need to have some one on one time with God with no distractions. No phones, no computer, no dinners to plan, just me and my Father. I am so ready.