August 30, 2007

Good Week!

Thursday night. I can't believe the first week of school is just about over. And we have a 3 day weekend to boot. School has gone amazingly well. The kids teachers are fantastic and they are very excited that they have learned information that Rob or I didn't know, specifically about the largest eagles' nest ever found, 12 foot diameter, in the early 1960's. All is well at the Marcelain house.
Today a local Child Life Specialist came to the kids school and spoke to Jack's class and the other classes in his trio. It went very well and I know that it put Jack at ease, along with all the kids that were wondering just what happened to Jack over the summer. I am so grateful for this blessing.
I am loving the peace and quiet during the day. It is amazing how much more I can get done around my house when I am by myself. Currently I am reading several books and working on a bible study by myself. I think we all have seasons (hopefully it is not just me) where we just float along and status quo is the name of the game, then we move into a season where we just can't get enough of the Lord, I am grateful that I have made it through status quo and am thirsting for God's word every waking moment. Glory to God. This is just a quick post to check in, it is time to turn off the computer for the night and vegge.

August 28, 2007

A Little Help From Our Friends.

Second day of school, so far so good. Last night one of the mom's of Jack's friends came over with her kid's to drop off a newspaper she had saved for us from Jack's Pilot for a Day at Dyess. I really like this family. When her boys saw the picture of Jack in the paper they were confused as to why Jack's appearance had changed. The last time they saw him was on the last day of 2nd grade. This brought up a family discussion as to a relative in their family who had cancer and she lost her hair. When she went to school kids were mean to her and made fun of her. A boy in her class ripped off her wig and tossed it around so she couldn't get it back making fun of her the whole time. When this girls brother, not much older than she was, heard this story later that day he went and found this little boy, pushed him off his bike, punched him a couple of times and took his bike. He drove it home, put it in the garage and went to his room. Not too long after that the police showed up at the door and told his mom and dad what had happened, he came out of his room and told the police that he did steal the bike. He wasn't hiding what he had done because he felt it was justified. The police left him to his mom and dad's accord, and returned the bike to the owner. When they shut the front door both mom and dad high fived their son for taking up for his sister.
Once the story was over this dad who we have only met a couple of times told his sons to take up for Jack. If someone was making fun of him or teasing him, they had his permission to do what needed to be done. He said, "You take care of Jack and you wont get in any trouble at home, you do what needs to be done."
I sat on my couch last night listening to my friend recount all this for me, and I just couldn't help but cry. This reminds me of the scripture that talks about "taking up for the least of these." I am not sure that the Lord had fighting in mind, but it surely made me feel like Jack had some little friends that were watching out for him, and we all need friends looking out for us.

August 27, 2007

Faith and doubt, can you have one without the other?

First day of school. The traffic was typically gridlocked in every direction, the last minute lunch accounts were being paid, kids were showing up with parents to see who there teachers were and to find out where to go. It was organized mayhem. I woke up early to get myself ready, fix breakfast, make sure the kids had plenty of time to dress and eat, and my favorite part pray with my kids over their day to come. Somehow I forgot to take the typical first day of school picture. I will get the first day of coming home from school instead.

Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows that I love Mother Teresa. I feel so close to her I think of her as a long lost friend who I have never met. As the Catholic church is in the process of recognizing her, maybe sainting her, I am not really sure how all that works, they are gathering her correspondance. Correspondance that shows her innermost feelings, her doubts and the desert she felt she was in for most of her public ministry. I read about this on Mike Cope's blog, here. Mother wanted all of her correspondance destroyed, but the Catholic church refused. Good for them. They wanted it preserved. In the bible we read of the disciples and their inadequacies. They were broken men chosen to spread the name of Jesus. Heal the sick, feed the poor, and tend to the brokenhearted. One of the deceptions that Satan uses, then and now, is to lead us to think that we must be good enough to serve God. We must not doubt, we must not sin, we must know the bible back to front. We look at the people who are on the covers of books, leaders of our bible studies, the voices of the sermons whether we listen to them on t.v., from the pulpit, or downloaded on our computer and then hold those humans in such high regard that we think they do no wrong. Then when someone falls into (or even chooses) sin or voices doubts we start questioning how we feel personally about God because that person in front of us, even though we didn't mean to, we started basing our faith on their faith. We listened to their words foregoing our own relationship with the Lord and our own study of scripture.

I was listening to Beth Moore today on one of my audio cd's and she asked a question. If you were all by yourself on a desert island, you and your bible, having never been taught from another person, how do you think your faith would be different than it is right now. If you were to read God's word and not have the filter of someone else deciding what to apply, what "we" don't believe in, how "we" pray. She talked about the stronghold of unbelief that has taken our country and world. She is not even addressing those outside the church, but those of us who fill the pews.

We can read the bible all we want, but if we don't believe the promises God gives us, if we don't think he is talking to us, or maybe we just skip over some parts here and there, because we don't really do that at our church, what are we limiting ourselves to? God holds promises for us here on earth that will blow our minds, they do mine anyway. If I could just start ordering a plate of the whole counsel of God's word and not just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat bread.

Reading about the struggles of Mother Teresa makes her a whole person, not a robot, created by God to do good works. She felt praise for God, elation, despair, hopelessness, encouragement, God's power in her.
I have felt all those feelings in one single day, sometimes even in one millisecond. To God be the glory that He uses such inadequate people to share His love through. I am even more encouraged by Mother, but my faith is based on the hope I have in Jesus Christ, Lord keep my eyes on you.

Faith without doubt, is not faith at all.

August 24, 2007

A good week to be me.

Friday morning. Last night was meet the teacher night at school. We are looking forward to a great year. Three days left of summer vacation.

This week I have spent alot of time in God's word and in books. It has been a sweet time. It is a good time to be me. God is really calling me to have a stronger faith, I can feel the tugs on my heart. One of the things that has really hit me this week is that God never forces anything on us. I have always thought of that in regards to accepting Him as our Lord and Savior. But I am realizing it also has to do with our own spiritual growth. We have the choice to grow or not. We can put our faith in Him or in something else, but our faith always resides somewhere. It could be in our own self, thinking we need no help; it could be in our job or in financial success; or it could be in someone else, like a spouse or mentor. Once we become a follower of Christ, we can remain a baby in scripture and continually being fed milk, or we can mature and move on to heartier meals. I know I have grown in Christ in many ways including my faith, but God never leaves us the same does he? He loves us right where we are but calls us closer to Him every day.

Where has my faith resided? In whom do I believe? The Lord. Even the demons believe in and fear God scripture says.

I was reminded this week as I was listening to the audio CD of Believing God by Beth Moore of a fictional character named Angela. Angela is a stuffed lifesize doll that represents various teachings that we might be familiar with. Growing up Angela's family loved God. But they kept God in churchy places - in the pew at church or church socials. They never talked about God at home. Angela was taught that God is irrelevant outside of church. As a very young girl Angela felt like she was being called by God, she believed that He was speaking to her heart through the beauty that was placed around her. She told her grandma and her grandma told her that God doesn't really speak to us. He does speak to few mind you, a few very important workers of each generation, but not very many, so Angela was taught God was impersonal. Then Angela at 13 years old asked her bible class teacher to pray for her grandpa who was very ill, and her teacher was happy to pray for him, but told Angela to not get her hopes up because God really doesn't heal people any more. Angela was taught that God was unwilling, too weak, or just plain mean. When Angela grew up and started looking at college's her parents wanted her to go to a Christian college. Any one would do, just so she would learn a little about God. And that was the God that Angela grew up to know a "little god" a god that was impersonal, irrelevant in daily life, unwilling, weak and maybe even a bit mean. When she went to college she was taught from her old, wise philosophy teacher that our God was also the the same god of other world religions. She learned that God was common, even though when the angels sing out Holy, Holy, Holy and they sing of His Otherness. Angela found out that on her college campus that pain killers were sold like candy. She was caught in the fiercest addiction of her life, and where could she go? In her mind there was no way out, the god she had been taught was no God at all. He was a god made in man's image. A god that the people around her could explain. The God of the bible is not that god. The God of the bible is mighty to save. The God of the bible is only lessened when we try and explain who He is. The bible says He is the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End, He is the I AM.
I could definately see that Angela and I had a few things in common. For 16 years now I have studied God's word, read the bible, and sought Him. God delivered me 16 years ago from a pit I that I had dug my heels into. There was no way out. I took a chance and asked God to save me, and He was mighty to save. He turned my world upside down and delivered me from my sin, moved me to another state and there I started my journey to falling in love with Him. I will never forget moving to Abilene and working at the church. The people around me talked about God alot, they lived for Him. I could remember thinking how odd it was that they spoke of Him so adoringly like they really loved Him. Once I spent time with those people I saw many things I did not possess - the first thing I noticed was peace, then a forgiving spirit, then a kindness that was not based on their circumstances, they were not out for themselves. Peace when the waters in their lives were rough. Peace when they spoke of someone they loved dying. Peace when they spoke of their own final resting place. I wanted that.

God has certainly been faithful to me, He says seek and ye will find, knock and the door will be opened, He doesn't say I will cram my faith into you like it or not. So I must be seeking Him, knocking on His door, and ready to receive His increase. In scripture it says your faith is refined by fire. It melts off the gold, jewels and wood, but your faith is refined. I finally feel that scripture. Our faithwalk never ends until we see God and all of His glory in heaven. But I can feel some of what I had in my heart being stripped away. A couple of the scales on my eyes have been lifted. God is much bigger than I ever imagined or can ever imagine, that is what I have studied this week. The greatness of God. It is a good week to be me, thank you God for calling me.

One of the quotes from Beth Moore says, "Ordinarily faith that goes unchallenged goes unchanged." What that means to me is that unless I ask some questions of God, and seek Him to get those answers, I could just never grow. There are rough waters associated with growing in God. Waters that have an undertow, but as long as I keep my eyes on Him, He will walk me through those rough waters and keep me from falling.

One of my most favorite scriptures:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. Isaiah 43:2

August 18, 2007

Fresh Words

A fresh word from the Lord. I think I have heard Beth Moore say that more than once. "Lord, give me a fresh word..." She has said it many times. Well let me just share with you that I received alot of fresh words from the Lord yesterday. And they were good. I crossed the path of a woman who I believe the Lord made a divine appt. all I had to do was show up. I thought I was going to pick up some skin care products, which I did, but that was not the real reason I was there, I just didn't know it, until about 10 minutes into my encounter.

My last post I talked about lamenting and depression. I have been in that mode several months. I had been praying for God to help me, but I was too close to my situation and it came on so gradually that I didn't even realize it. I just couldn't find my way out of the fog. So I met this women yesterday when I was picking up my new skin care products and about the third sentence out of her mouth directed to me was, "There is oppression all around you." Well that got my attention needless to say. She told me that she had been gifted with prophecy from the Lord and that He has used her many times to share His words through. O.k. I know that sentence might have freaked some of ya'll out. I have been blessed to have been gradually introduced to people who have this gift. One of my relatives by marriage has this gift of prophecy. So I was not totally freaked out, but very interested for some fresh words from the Lord about what was going on with me. She laid her hands on me and prayed away the oppression, she prayed for protection she prayed for Jesus' mercy and grace. It was like cool water on a hot day. They were words that lifted me up out of the dark. I am grateful for Jesus and His love, His blood and His gentle touch through this woman I had met.

The words the Lord gave her for our situation with Jack were hope, victory and the God of Healing, Jehovah Rophe from Exodus 15:22-26. She told me many things that were helpful for me to know what to pray for regarding myself, in the areas I was weak, I am specifically praying for God to increase my faith, belief and hope.

That last sentence was quite personal, revealing and embarassing to tell you the truth, those are my weaknesses, but the best part of that sentence above is that where I am weak the Lord is so very strong. Where I find no hope, there is God just waiting to overflow my cup with His. When you see my hope, faith and belief in the future, you will know that I as a person fall so very short, but it is only through God's mercy that I can possess such blessings.

I am grateful for my divine appt. and I didn't even know why I was in such a rush to get there. I thought it was just because I wanted to wash my face with some good products. It turned out that there was a sweet, bold, woman of God who was not afraid to tell me what God had put on her heart for me and my family.

I am praising God for some fresh words. Some things I share on this blog are not easy for me to share. I have waited almost two days to post this. Maybe it is my pride, maybe because in my church we don't talk about prophecy alot, maybe because it was a very personal experience. But when God blesses me to such a magnitude it would be dishonoring to Him not to share a life altering moment, to God be the glory. In all things praise God.

August 17, 2007

Stop in His Name of Love.

Friday morning. Our in town vacation was a complete success. We stayed two nights at a local hotel and we swam, played pool, played ping pong, sat around and visited, watched a couple of movies, and we relaxed. 2 days of relaxation and fun. it was a breath of fresh air for me, much needed down time.

I started and finished a book called Leaving Church, a memoir of faith, by Barbara Brown Taylor. I had forgotten my highlighter at home so I am re-reading it again to highlight the parts I loved most. It is a well written, thought provoking book. I loved this book.

Abilene is currently under a boil your water order. I knew something was up with the water in Abilene when for the last four or five days I had seen many water hydrants wide open flooding surrounding areas. The first one I saw I thought, oh no, I wonder if the fire dept. knows that someone has taken the cap off the hydrant, by the third I saw I realized that it was flushing water out of our water system, wondering why. Now I know.

I am excited about where God is leading my heart. I have been lamentful this summer, I might be tempted to use the word depressed if I was labeling from the clinical view. I have seen Jack go from joyful to withdrawn in the last several months, and as much as I am hoping and praying that once he is off steroids and they work their way out of his system his old personality will find it's way back to the surface, I just miss my kid. I miss his laugh, I miss his movie quotes and silliness, I miss the amazing sparkle in his eyes.
God is calling me to Him, He is calling me to a level of sacrifice that I have not ever been desperate enough to embrace. To be still. I find myself longing to be in God's presence, alone, in quiet, just waiting to feel His grace and peace. Summertime has kept me hoppin' and peace and quiet have not come naturally. GOD, is telling my heart that I must make time for Him. Purposeful time, sacrificial time. I don't know about you, but being still and quiet makes me want to go running and screaming into the night. It doesn't feel comfortable at first, it is like a million first dates wrapped up into one, wondering what to say, when to be quiet and listen all while wearing clothes that are itching your skin. I can easily find "other" things to do without telling God "no", just "later". I can not only find God in quiet, I can find Him everywhere, but maybe He can only find me, the open hearted me, the heart that is ready to listen, the will that is ready to bend to His will when I am quiet. Wearing quiet is not easy, I would rather put on what is comfortable - busyness.
In the Old Testament when Moses was given the 10 Commandments one of those commandments I have discarded. When Jesus came He gave us freedom from sin, the many rules that Old Testament Jews kept from God's Laws. I still know not to kill, steal, commit adultery, but the Sabbath has been discarded for me and many. I think God gave us Sabbath to be one with Him and be filled by Him, and worship Him. What has happened to me because I have not kept Sabbath in my life? My tank is never full, I am stopping for little hits of God but never stopping long enough to be filled. It would be like putting one dollar of gas in my tank and being fretful hoping I could get to the next gas station before I completely run out. There is no peace. These are just thoughts that I have thought through, I have NO answers, but God does and if I will just give Him some time He might fill me with that glorious grace, mercy and peace that I want and need so badly. God is telling me to stop in His Name of Love.

August 13, 2007

In Town Vacation

Monday night. I am on a roll I have posted twice in the last 48 hours. Our family is enjoying our last two weeks of summer vacation. I think that I am feeling a bit anxious about Jack going back to school. I had really hoped that he would be off steroids before school started back up, but no such luck. He looks so different than when summer started, I hope that he is treated kindly in school. I have NEVER cried when my kids have started school, even kindergarten, I might have dropped a tear but I don't think so. This year could be different. I am just going to have to pray about it and leave it to the Lord.
Jack does so much better on a routine so I really think that it will be good when school starts up. It will give him something to focus on. He seems to just wander.

We are going to do our annual family vacation at the Elegante Suites for two nights this week. The kids love to stay at the hotel and it seems like a vacation when someone makes your beds and cooks you breakfast. I had planned on visiting family in Arizona with the kids this summer, but once Jack was dealing with the swelling in his brain and on all sorts of drugs to tend to that, it didn't seem wise to make that trip. Staying close to home was definately the smart choice.

I am glad to hear all the rave reviews of the Bourne movies. Sounds like we will definately have to watch the first two before we see the third.

Please keep Jack in your prayers.

Father God you are the sustainer of my soul. Bless Jack and heal his face and take away the tumor in his head. I pray that You will light our path brightly so we walk only in Your direction, lifting our heads to see You. In Your sweet Sons name, Amen.

August 11, 2007


Saturday night. Jack is laying behind me on my bed reading a book. The rest of the family is around the house doing something or another. I have caught up on some computer time and now I will catch you up on us. We have had a great week at Mommer's and Tom's with Tamara and the kids visiting. We have much laundry to plow through but for the most part when you live and eat at someone elses house for the better part of a week that minimizes your own housework.

We received Jack's next date for his MRI - September 13. Jack is doing well, we have seen movies a couple of times this week which is his favorite thing to do. We saw Underdog on Monday - we all liked it greatly or loved it depending on who you asked. It was a good depiction of the old cartoons. The evil scientist was portrayed to a tee. Underdog was a great actor/dog. Go see it if you want to laugh. Then we saw Daddy Day Camp on Wednesday, the day it was released. We have a custom that when we go to the Ronald McDonald House we always check out two movies...Daddy Day Care and Cheaper By The Dozen 2. So when the follow up to Daddy Day Care was released it was a no-brainer for us to go and see it. However, no one over the age of 8 would like this movie in my opinion. I decided to take a well earned nap, I had after all paid $5 to sit in a dark theatre in a semi-comfortable chair, and snooze away. After watching about 10 minutes of the movie I made a good decision, just go to sleep. Some times I accidently fall asleep in movies, but this one was a conscience decision. All the adults that went just shook our heads when it was over. I ofcourse was shaking my head to knock out the kink in my neck from the nap.

We are movie goers at our house. That is a major thing Rob and I had in common when we met, we love movies. We enjoy the big screen, sitting in the middle seat in the middle row and will arrive at a movie plenty early to secure our favorite seats. Jack has inherited our love of movies. All that said, somehow we missed out on the Bourne series. We have not seen one, we rented one then never got to watch it years ago. Many of our friends love the movies, so that is on our to do list.
Rob and I will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary tomorrow. Or I guess we will enjoy it tomorrow, but celebrate it on Friday due to the busyness of a Sunday. So I think we will see the new Bourne in the movies for our anniversary celebration on Friday.

That was our week.

August 07, 2007

The Greatest Gift

Good Tuesday morning. What a beautiful week we have in Abilene, the sun is shining. I am loving that we have 3 more weeks of summer vacation. I know some of my friends might hit me over the head with that comment, but it seems like we have been so busy this summer with doctor stuff we haven't had time to take a breath. I don't have a date yet, but I know that Jack will have 3-4 weeks between now and his next MRI, so we are going to enjoy being in town.
Rob's sister is here visiting with her kiddo's. We always have alot of fun with them.
Jack is going to try and go back to thai kwon do Thursday night. He showed me yesterday that he can almost touch his toes and he practiced his jumping. I am glad he wants to go back, he has taken off several weeks, some because we were out of town and then some because physically he didn't feel up to it.
My big announcement...hold the press. Derek decided to NOT play football this year. Anyone who has spent a moment with Derek knows that he is all about football. He continues his conditioning and exercising to stay in shape (his words), and I am sure he will add some new sports to his experience this year. We would have gotten him where he needed to be, but it would have been very hard this year for our family to have football practice and games in the mix. So I am glad it has worked out this way.
Please continue sending prayers up for Jack to Jesus. That is the greatest gift.

August 01, 2007

Pilot for a Day

We had an amazing experience today at Dyess. Jack was blessed to be a part of the "Pilot for the Day" Program. Thanks to Super Dave our good friend from church who is a B-1 Pilot and to Guy S. who is a civilian firefighter on base. They both have worked hard to coordinate and bring today to fruition. The kids had a blast. We started out meeting several members of the 9th Bomb Squadron. Jack was presented several keepsakes from the base Colonel, who took time from his very busy schedule to meet Jack. After a short B-1 presentation we headed to the EOD Dept., the bomb squad. They got to see the bomb robot in action, then moved out to the range where Jack was able to detinate 2 different explosions. Then on to the Canine Unit where we saw some very cool and very trained dogs in action. We learned a bit about having a dog as your police partner. Then onto the building where we learned about all the guns and granade launchers. The kids were able to hold the weapons and try on some gear. Once that was over there were 2 Humvee's waiting to take the kids on a ride. They arrived back after about 10 minutes and had mud all over the vehicles and branches hanging off the rear view mirrors. Apparently the kids got to see some offroad action. Then onto the firestation. We saw their working, living and eating quarters. The kids got to put out a contained fire with the fire extinguishers, then we travelled by fire trucks to the training site and watched the jaws of life rip off a door from a car. Jack was able to shoot water out from the big fire truck. Then all the boys took turns. You will see in the slideshow where Jack turned the water on our vehicle, the captain's truck.
Then we ate pizza for dinner back at the 9th Squadron's Lounge area. We refueled then headed out to the transport van and loaded up to see Jack off to take his ride in the B-1. He was given headphones and a microphone to communicate with us. His call sign given to him by one of the B-1 crew was Jumpin Jack Flash, or Flash for short. He boarded the B-1 and was given a couple of duties for the checklist. Then they taxied down to the end of the runway. Jack and Super Dave climbed out of the plane and rejoined our group. It was a most special day for our kids and their good friends that came with us. God is great, just like the music says on the slideshow. Thank You to Dyess Air Force Base and especially to Dave and Guy. We are so grateful and blessed by you.
Click here to see a slideshow of the day.

Click here to read the Abilene Reporter News article written by Charles Anderson Sr.

A Girl After God's Heart

Wednesday morning. Today is the big day. We go to the Air Force Base this afternoon for Jack's Pilot for a Day. We are all so excited. I can't wait.
I went to a photography seminar on Monday in Dallas. It was so much fun and I learned alot. The presenters had a sense of humor and kept it interesting.
Yesterday we got some pool time in before our daily thunderstorms fell out of the sky. Here it is August 1st, the grass is green, the flowers in bloom. This is not typical West Texas weather. Abilene...the new Seattle.
God has blessed me through my bible study these last several days. I am so in love with God's word. Why, if I am not in an organized study, do I allow myself to put off my study until "later"? Everytime I seek God in scripture and His will for me, with an open heart and a thirst for Him, I am blessed. I opened my bible up to Psalm 141, 142 and 143 on Sunday night. That is what I have been reading and re-reading. God is provisional. Thank you God.
Jack has been doing well this week. Yesterday he said, "Mommy, do you want to see me run? I have been practicing and I didn't even fall." He ran down the hallway and back and had a big crooked smile when he gave me a high five. I always said that when Jack started walking he had two speeds, run and sleep. I am so proud of him. He is just as stubborn now as he was then, he is stubborn with independance. He likes to do things on his own. I didn't cry on the outside when he showed me his run, but my throat welled up and I choked back tears. It would have ruined the moment for Jack if I would have gotten all sappy on him.
This is why I need to be in God's word and always searching for God's will for myself. Part of me wanted to cry and get angry to God about the situation, "Why is my boy having to practice running? Something he mastered 6 years ago?" I hate this brain tumor, it has invaded our lives as intently as it has invaded Jack's brain stem.
The other half, was thanking God for the heart of my son, thanking God for the strength and love, remembering the blessings and all the good that has come from Jack's illness. Remembering that God is in control and He will use (and has used in mighty ways) Jack's illness for good. I don't blame God for Jack's illness. We live in a fallen world, bad things happen to good people, and it is through those times that good people get to show their awesome God and what it looks like to journey through a tough time with God's comfort, strength and peace. God is so mighty. He can be seen best in dark times, He shines like a beacon.
This is why I need God's word everyday. Because everyday I make a choice as to how I will react to the dozens of moments like the one above. Am I grateful? Am I thankful? Am I honoring God with my mind and thoughts? Or not. Left on my own I would fail miserably to the task God has set before me, with God's help I can choose to glorify Him. I am after God's heart after all.
Some will say, rage on! Job did it. Job yelled at God. And then he made peace. I love to read David's laments. He laments to God, but he praises and glorifies Him in each psalm too. David was hiding in a cave, hiding from men that wanted to kill him, depressed and afraid. David was frightened out of His wits, but He was never alone, He always cried out to God with words that fill my heart. He worshipped through his fear, he begged and pleaded, but he honored more than anything else. He honored his Creator, his Comfortor, his Providor. And God loved him for it, in such a way that God calls David a man after His own heart. I want to make God smile.