Have you ever felt like a freight train hit you and landed on your heart?
I am anxious for today to begin, I hope to hear from the oncologists office today with some information on when and where Jack is to start chemotherapy.
Jack will go through a day surgery procedure to insert a port in his chest that will the the connecting unit they will hook up to the medicine for chemotherapy. Please pray that Jack does o.k. with this. Jack is my child who doesn't like stickers on his body, or those fake tattoo's, he likes his skin free of foreign substances, so I am praying that he can adjust to the port sticking out of him.
I was at lunch yesterday with family, family from home, and family visiting from Arizona, and told someone that Tom and John Risse's mother was diagnosed with cancer this week, and Jack looked right up at me with his big beautiful crooked eyes and said, "Am I going to die of cancer?" I almost couldn't breath for a minute or so, but said right away, no honey you are not going to die of cancer. Then he went on with his conversation with his cousin. I talked with him at home a bit and asked him again what he had asked me in the restaurant and he repeated it, I told him, that he does not have a malignant cancer, "just" a brain tumor and that there are medicines to heal cancer and brain tumors. I asked him if he was scared and he said yes. I feel so incompetent to know what to say. I can give the pat answer, mommy and daddy are right here and you don't need to be afraid, and God will be with you always, God loves you, God can heal you, but I think that those words do not go to the core of his being. I think that his head is swirling, and he is not verbalizing (how does a 6 year old boy verbalize his feelings) how he feels. I have to do a better job of being strong for him. I need to be an example of strength to Jack, he see's me cry and his world is shaken. I was so overcome by this news that I spent the first 48 hours crying, then lightened up a little and now I only cry occassionally. I tried to not cry in front of him, but I could not hold back my tears. So pray for me to be strong, because I can not help him to be brave when I am not being brave.
I have thought about why I am so emotional about this news, the obvious is that Jack condition is overwhelming, but I think my heart is broken. I have a wonderful God, Jesus is my best friend, there is no minute that a thought doesn't go through my head that it is not entwined with the Holy Spirit, I want to please God, he has shown me mercy and so much grace in my life, He has forgiven me of alot, and I love Him alot, I can not separate myself from Him, nor would I ever want to, I do not think I could walk one day on this earth without clinging to the hope of salvation I have and seeing the face of Jesus when he calls me home. So that leads me to my struggle right now, I have prayed with faith that Jesus would have healed Jack after the surgery, the spots would go away, no new tumors to be found, not only did I pray in faith, I believed. I believed with every ounce of my being that this would be so, I prayed it as if it had already happened, I prayed like the Bible tells me, in Jesus name I claimed these prayers. I asked, but it was not given.
Do I think that God's plan is my plan (or visa versa), am I arrogant enough to think that just because I love Him so that he will answer my prayers as I would wish and in my timing. NO. But I have had to pick my self up off the floor in the disappointment because it didn't work out as I had planned, prayed, and hoped.
I have had a rebellious heart over the last 4 days, like a toddler having a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. And God just as faithfully as ever stood over me waiting for me to look up at Him as he was holding out his hand to lift me from my wallow. I am grateful that he shows me mercy. I have lifted my hand to have him pick me up, and carry me through this journey as the mother of a child who needs her.
Pray for our faith, and perserverance, and for me to be strong in front of Jack. Mostly pray for Jack, pray that God is shining down his healing hand on my son.
Tammy
Jack will go through a day surgery procedure to insert a port in his chest that will the the connecting unit they will hook up to the medicine for chemotherapy. Please pray that Jack does o.k. with this. Jack is my child who doesn't like stickers on his body, or those fake tattoo's, he likes his skin free of foreign substances, so I am praying that he can adjust to the port sticking out of him.
I was at lunch yesterday with family, family from home, and family visiting from Arizona, and told someone that Tom and John Risse's mother was diagnosed with cancer this week, and Jack looked right up at me with his big beautiful crooked eyes and said, "Am I going to die of cancer?" I almost couldn't breath for a minute or so, but said right away, no honey you are not going to die of cancer. Then he went on with his conversation with his cousin. I talked with him at home a bit and asked him again what he had asked me in the restaurant and he repeated it, I told him, that he does not have a malignant cancer, "just" a brain tumor and that there are medicines to heal cancer and brain tumors. I asked him if he was scared and he said yes. I feel so incompetent to know what to say. I can give the pat answer, mommy and daddy are right here and you don't need to be afraid, and God will be with you always, God loves you, God can heal you, but I think that those words do not go to the core of his being. I think that his head is swirling, and he is not verbalizing (how does a 6 year old boy verbalize his feelings) how he feels. I have to do a better job of being strong for him. I need to be an example of strength to Jack, he see's me cry and his world is shaken. I was so overcome by this news that I spent the first 48 hours crying, then lightened up a little and now I only cry occassionally. I tried to not cry in front of him, but I could not hold back my tears. So pray for me to be strong, because I can not help him to be brave when I am not being brave.
I have thought about why I am so emotional about this news, the obvious is that Jack condition is overwhelming, but I think my heart is broken. I have a wonderful God, Jesus is my best friend, there is no minute that a thought doesn't go through my head that it is not entwined with the Holy Spirit, I want to please God, he has shown me mercy and so much grace in my life, He has forgiven me of alot, and I love Him alot, I can not separate myself from Him, nor would I ever want to, I do not think I could walk one day on this earth without clinging to the hope of salvation I have and seeing the face of Jesus when he calls me home. So that leads me to my struggle right now, I have prayed with faith that Jesus would have healed Jack after the surgery, the spots would go away, no new tumors to be found, not only did I pray in faith, I believed. I believed with every ounce of my being that this would be so, I prayed it as if it had already happened, I prayed like the Bible tells me, in Jesus name I claimed these prayers. I asked, but it was not given.
Do I think that God's plan is my plan (or visa versa), am I arrogant enough to think that just because I love Him so that he will answer my prayers as I would wish and in my timing. NO. But I have had to pick my self up off the floor in the disappointment because it didn't work out as I had planned, prayed, and hoped.
I have had a rebellious heart over the last 4 days, like a toddler having a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store. And God just as faithfully as ever stood over me waiting for me to look up at Him as he was holding out his hand to lift me from my wallow. I am grateful that he shows me mercy. I have lifted my hand to have him pick me up, and carry me through this journey as the mother of a child who needs her.
Pray for our faith, and perserverance, and for me to be strong in front of Jack. Mostly pray for Jack, pray that God is shining down his healing hand on my son.
Tammy
Comments
We all love you, Marcelain family -- and want to cry with you, too!
Jack was only a young five when he was in my class, but it was very apparent that he is a deep child.You could tell that he was thinking alot about different subjects even if he didn't feel compelled to verbalize his thoughts. So, by crying when your body demands release, verbalizing selectively and showing your kids that your need for God remains undiminished, you will be a blessing to your children and all of us.
Tammy, I will continue to lift you and your family up in prayer. May God wrap his healing and comforting arms around you and all your family.
Karen Frazier
I really appreciated Sarah's comments and amen them. I love you and greatly admire your deep and honest faith.
-Gay