Walking With God

I am currently reading "Walking with God," by John Eldredge. I love reading memoirs, although I didn't realize that was what this book partially is. I was pleasantly surprised when it was filled with life stories from a year of John Eldredge's walk with God.
I am on page 27 so I am just starting out, but this book is excellent. Here is an exert from the book.

"...He assumed that God, being a loving God, was going to come through for him. In the sense of bless his choices. His ministry. Make his life good. He looked sort of dazed and hurt that it hadn't happened. He was trying to put a good face on it, but you could see that he had lost heart. This may be one of the most common, most unquestioned, and most naive assumptions people who believe in God share. We assume that because we believe in God, and because he is love, he's going to give us a happy life. A + B = C. You may not be so bold as to state this assumption out loud - you may not even think you hold this assumption - but notice your shock when things don't go well. Notice your feelings of abandonment and betrayal when life doesn't work out. Notice that often you feel as though God isn't really all that close or involved, feel that he isn't paying attention to your life........this man assumed the Christian life was basically about believing in God and doing good. Be a good person. That's good. That's a beginning. But it's just a beginning. It's sort of like saying that the way to have a good friendship is not to betray the other person. That will certainly help. You certainly want to have that going. But there's a whole lot more to friendship than simply not committing a betrayal, wouldn't you say?"

I could write out the whole chapter, but he goes onto talk about how important it is for us to seek God, pursue Him, learn His voice, follow Jesus. There is a big difference in believing in Jesus and being a follower of Jesus.

This passage hit me square in the face. When Jack was diagnosed with his brain tumor, I felt completely betrayed by God. I felt like he didn't hold up his end of the bargain. I might not have said it out loud then, but looking back that is what I felt. It took me a year to learn to love God for who He is and not what He does. I still get teary when I talk about how hard that time was for me. Yes of course hard on me because my son had a brain tumor, but oh so hard trying to figure out my relationship with the Lord. Bad things happen here on earth, can God fix them all and make them go away? Yes. Will he do that with all of our hardships and struggles? No. That place is called heaven, a place where there are no brian tumors, no cancer, no tears. God allows our faith to be tested while on earth, what we do with that is completely up to us.
The hardest thing for me to do during that first year was to praise God. I used my voice to praise Him in church when I sang, I certainly cried out to Him, I pursued His word in scripture many times a day, but 100% of my heart was not in it, I was not content in His sovereignty.
I will never forget on a Wednesday night at church, earlier that week I had made my peace, I had told God I will love You, I am yours no matter what happens to Jack...for the first time I really meant it. I meant it with all I was, and sang with my hands held high and tears pouring down my face because it was my sacrifice of praise. I would sacrifice my earthly desires for God's holy agenda and I would do it without murmuring discontent in my heart. I was Holy Sold Out. I felt such affirmation from God that night, I will never forget it. He was glad to have my heart back, and I was glad to give it.