April 24, 2011

The Great Hug

I was alone in my bedroom. I had woken to the hot Arizona sun streaming through my window that was right over my head. 20 years later I can still remember clearly what happened that morning. I opened my eyes, wondering why I needed to open them at all. Maybe the craziness of my life had taken its toll. The fun no longer could cover up the emptiness. The friends could no longer disguise my hopelessness. I woke up with clarity to see, even with my eyes squeezed closed, that I was a shell of a person. What I had searched for around every corner for many years might have wooed me with its treasures, but treasures they were not. I had no purpose, or so I thought. I made a choice that morning, there were two roads. One to death and one to...I didn't know where, but that road was filled with the kind love of a pursuing Christ who had spoken to my heart over and over, even when I didn't want to listen. This morning it was Christ's voice speaking to my heart which spoke compassion and kindness that drew me to fall out of my bed and onto my knees and pray for the first time in years. Jesus. Help me. I am sorry I have sinned. Please, forgive me. If you will save me from my life, I will never turn away again. It was in that moment that the presence of the Jesus, wrapped His arms around me. It felt like there was someone holding me, I looked up and no one could be seen. But I knew in that moment the words that were spilling forth into my heart were from my Beloved Christ. I forgive you. You are mine. You are worthy. You have a purpose. I will save you.

Rob has said to me on occasion that he has never known anyone who has held on to their faith with so much conviction for so long. I live today like I was lifted to a new life just yesterday. If there is a moment that I might start wavering in my dedication to Christ all I need to do is close my eyes and remember that hot morning in Arizona and I can feel the presence of my Savior like I was there. I have had many times of questioning and trying to make sense with 'my' understanding, but I have never questioned that there was a God, because that day in my bedroom, He was there in form that was invisible to my eyes, but the touch of His arms that held me and that guided me to my new life were very real. In the life He has for me there is hope, love, mercy, grace, forgiveness, and fullness.

Easter morning, and why am I remembering this right now? As I read through my favorite Easter morning scripture I see myself in Mary Magdalene, she has been healed of 7 demons, and she is lost without her Christ. She would do whatever she needs to do to find Him. I read those words because she is desperate for her King, her Savior, her beloved, and I feel her desperation in my heart. She and I have been healed and without Christ we are empty like the tomb.


From the word of the Lord. John 20:10
Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.
They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?" "They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him." At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.
"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?"
Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."
Jesus said to her, "Mary."
She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).


I am thankful to God who shows Himself to those who cry out to Him. I am thankful that I chose the road of Christ that morning. This morning I can not wait to lift my hands to worship the Resurrection of Christ. The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. The Triune of Love. They are great to be praised on high, but compassionate enough to wrap their arms around each of us who call to them with all of our heart.


Bethany said...

Praise God! This has spoken to me. Thank you for being a vessel to carry out the Lord's Will. Happy Easter, Tammy. Love you!