October 08, 2009

I'm Scared..

The closer I get to actually officially registering for classes as a college student at ACU the more sick to my stomach I get. I have re-thought my decision about a hundred times. Each time thinking about why I shouldn't go back to school as a full time student, then reminding myself that the pro's are overwhelming on the go back to school side. I think I am afraid that I am not going to be smart enough. In the last 12 years since I started having kids God has blessed me with wisdom and common sense that is such a blessing, but the "smarts" seems to have gone out the back door, or maybe I should say that my memory has gone out the back door. I really am afraid that I wont be able to do well. But as the fears start to choke me, I remember that nothing is impossible with God. I can be smart again, I will just need to dust off that part of my brain. If something frightens me then I generally will face it head on, and that is what I need to do in this situation. I ordered a couple writing books that Donald Miller recommended, thought that they might help me when writing papers for school.

I opened up the first one today called The War Of Art by Steven Pressfield, the page that opened first was page 40 and this is what it said:

"Are you paralyzed with fear? That's a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do.
Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.
Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That's why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there'd be no Resistance....

So if you're paralyzed with fear, it's a good sign. It shows you what you have to do."


Big breath....go back to school.


Emily said...

You are smarter than you realize, Most people score higher on standardized tests the further from the classroom that they are. Just remember that "Do not be afraid" is in almost EVERY book in the bible. Still I remember looking at the course list the semester I commuted to San Angelo, starting my 6th year, and thinking "Why do I think I can do this, I not even going to use it" Even though my degree just hangs on my wall, It was worth it.

Love you,

Jennifer said...

You'll do great! Jacki took classes with Michelle and Nathan and was always busting the curves. They were always copying her notes and studying with her. I never met a non-traditional student who didn't do well. It's just so much more important when you're returning to school.

Leah said...

WOW it's good to know about that in fear. I am going to meditate on that. I think you are going to do wonderful.

mad4books said...

Wow! You are full of surprises! Best of luck to you...college is really a test of stamina, and YOU have that by the bucketful.

No worries!

Any chance you'll want to teach after you graduate?

Richard Beck said...

You are WAY smarter than most of the kids I teach. And that's not knocking the students. None of the kids run their own business or host a stimulating blog.

Looking forward to bumping into you on campus.

delonymom said...

Hi Tammy,
I'm just seeing your post and have to respond. First, I started college at age 40 and was terrified!! It's been a great experience. OF course, I was a bit carried away and stayed in college for AA, BA, MA and PhD. But it turns out that God had a terrific plan for me all along, even when I wondered what I was doing.

You are much smarter and more well read than most people I know, and certainly better prepared than the younger students. I felt blessed that I was able to go to college when I was old enough to really appreciate the experience.

And ... I made the War of Art required reading for my grad students this fall. Next spring it will be on the reading list for all my classes.

Call me whenever you feel overwhelmed. I've been there!