August 28, 2008

Mighty Spectacular

Here it is Thursday night. Jack and I got back home today from Dallas. He had an MRI early Wednesday morning, then a visit to a new opthamologist for them to do a baseline exam on him to follow his cataracts. We spent the rest of the day just hanging around the Ronald McDonald House. Jack's eyes were dilated at the opthamologists and even now 36 hours later are still so dilated he has to wear his sunglasses when he is outside. Those were some serious eye dilation drops. This morning we woke up, packed up and cleaned up then checked out of the Ronald McDonald House. We arrived at the clinic and not too much later we were escorted to our exam room. One of Jack's doctor's came in and said that Jack's MRI looked "SPECTACULAR." Everything is healing up, all the past tumor areas still look amazing. There is nothing there that looks like tumor.

I don't know if anyone who hasn't gone through this or something very similar know how these visits tend to bring out the fears and anxiety that you don't even think you have inside. I can speak back to those fears with my faith and God always gives me the mercy and grace I need to hold on to His mighty sovereignty, but nonetheless those fleeting thoughts fleet in and out. I have learned to not let them stay praise God, but they certainly try their best.

I was thinking of words that we have been told by our doctors over the last 3 years...

I am sorry to say, brain tumor, emergency room, surgery, pilocytic astrocytoma, 96% removed, he can't talk, eat or open his eyes, half a smile, posterior fossa syndrome, e-stim might help, he said his first word...(scooby)doo, mediport, chemo, strabismus, low blood counts, no immune system, wear a mask, eye droop, foot drop, it's almost gone, maybe plaque or scar tissue, it's back, gamma knife radiation, halo, brain swelling, facial paralysis, steroids, strabismus again, hyperbaric, a swollen mess, doesn't look so good, maybe next month it will look better, still swollen from the radiation, see you soon,

words from a friend who received a word from God for us....God has healed your son.

The next day...MRI again...Amazing results, things look great, don't see tumor, didn't think it would disappear, see you in 3 months....looks even better, we couldn't have hoped for such good results...then today "Spectacular."

The journey to spectacular has been a long and winding road. I would say that what has happened inside of me through God's mighty transformation is more than spectacular. I have surrendered to a life of sufficiency through Jesus. A life that has transformed to see the intricacies of blessing when there is such pain. A life that could scream thank you and mean it when things are unbelievably difficult. I have found the meaning of life through Jack's illness, a life surrendered. I have screamed, felt forsaken, cried until there were no more tears, shook my fist in anger, questioned, felt confused but I didn't turn away, I fought my innerman, the part of me that wants things my way, the part of me that is selfish and flesh driven, the part that was my ruler for so many years, and she did not win. To the outside world and to myself I might have looked at the messiest days in my heart as being days filled with defeat and failure, but those were the times where God was refining and pruning, growing pains. There is nothing good in me without Jesus, I have not done any of this on my own, I have just tried to run the race without quitting and God has blessed that. He has given me grace and mercy each day and He has shown me His power that lives in me when I surrender to Him. I have worked hard calling on Him and devouring scripture, I have sought Him and He has made a cleft in the rock for me to stand. Today I feel like I have almost been allowed to see His back after He has walked by, and it was more than spectacular.

I am mindful that in this instant, there are other people who have not gotten the results that they have called out for. There will again be times that I will call out to God, my prayer for myself and others that struggle are that they keep lifting their eyes to Jesus. He is the one who loves us most, He is the provider of all we need to get through this world that is filled with evil and disease. There is a place that one day we will experience pure joy, happiness and there will be no more cancer, no more pain. That place is real, sometimes it seems like heaven is not real, but scripture says that we are living in but a shadow of the things to come. Heaven is real, and it is a place where all who follow Jesus will find their everlasting reward. I know I have learned that this life is fleeting, one day everything is great and the next things will never look the same, the Lord is the only thing that stays the same through the ages. He loved us yesterday, today and tomorrow. Thank you God.

Mighty to favorite song.

This song has been on my heart all week. We sang it last weekend at the Beth Moore event.


Anonymous said...

Yeah God!!!!!!!!!!!


Allison Connor said...

Tammy, watching you over these last few years has been a blessing on my life...I hate to see you hurt, but you are so inspiring and I just feel God when I am near you or when I read you words...God is using you more than you know. Thank you for letting him use you!!

Donna Ware said...

Praise God!! He has done mighty things!! Yeah for you, your family, Jack and Godl

I love the word spectacular. Megan used to say it things are spacular.

Jack's healing is definitely spectacular and spacular, but what else would we expect from our God? How wonderful to be His children.

love ya